gone
by Mamori chama
Summary: The story of Orochimaru before his split personality took over, he loved/hated his experiment's, but his first human experiment, was on a small child with blond hair when he was 18, his last year in control of his own body. Jiraoro, gore, rape, yaoi.


He had been an orphan when I had picked him up, as the many children had been.

My first experiment was a frog.

Even though it was just on a frog, I still felt the guilt, but as time went on it moved onto pets, instead of amphibians.

But my first human experiment I had freaked out and balled my eye's out thinking I had killed the young boy, he had such pretty yellow hair, and crystal blue eyes.

He was coming out of the orphanage when I had snatched him up, my heart was racing, and around every turn I went my heart skipped a beat in fear, and my stomach was in knots that might come up any minute now.

I knocked the kid out with a simple chop to his neck and he fell, then I had to run into one of my hideouts I had cleverly made.

For now the hideout was small, but I now was giddy in joy, because now I could start my experiment.

I was only about 18 when I had tried the experiment, I was going to see if I could add onto a human, make it super human.

When I began to cut and shave away the kid's hair I hadn't wanted to but I did anyway, I admired his hair because it was so pretty, the color was just amazing.

So bright

But he's bald now, and I looked at the shininess and was afraid to make the first cut, because even if I knew what to do might mess up and kill the kid.

I wished I had taken someone else, someone who didn't look so precious.

But I made the cut, and I watched as the metal smoothly sliced through the skin easily, and I scraped at something else, the skull.

The rest was somewhat a blur because I went insane for a little bit, not permanently then, but for a small amount of time.

When I had woken up from it, I stared at the small child, just barely eight, as it stopped breathing.

Then I panicked and tried giving it CPR, I continued trying until I had just become desperate and began doing signs for a lightening jutsu, small in comparison to the ones I had learned.

I brought it to above his heart and zapped a little, the electricity tingled on my finger tips, and I watched. Nothing, nothing had happened to so did again but harder, something bumped once and I began doing CPR again until the kid began breathing.

My tears fell onto his face as I hadn't moved, my face was only a few inches away from him and my long inky hair fell onto his face as I heaved in a breath from my broken sobs.

Why had I done this, the guilt and regret was immense it hurt and tightened around my heart as if squeezing the life out of it.

My knees gave out and I fell, the table I had the boy on moved a little due to its wheels.

I stole it from the hospital; it still had the patients name on it.

I let out a whimper as I thought how this kid would live, I didn't know if I had done the experiment right, I might have made him brain dead because of my stupid insanity.

I began laughing hysterically, I hated my fits of insanity, but when I got them I loved them.

My stomach hurts; I remember being a young boy hiding in my room, with the door locked. When my father started drinking I cried because his friends scared me, they used to come in my room and some of them were feeling my thigh, close to my privates, then… I don't want to remember.

Usually they just fell onto my bed and pissed themselves. From then on I just slept in my closet until I got a lock on my door.

But whenever they started drinking I allowed my insane self to come out and I hid inside myself, while my other self hid in my closet and laughed hysterically while tears slipped down his cheeks….my cheeks.

Just like this moment now, I cried and yet I laughed, my body felt light and my thoughts disappeared.

After that I had continued this way, in my insane self, and hid in my mind for some time.

Leaving my hide out and coming back to feed the child, he was still unconscious so I thought perhaps I put him in permanent Acoma.

I cried in my apartment that night, Jiraiya came in and called me a baby in hopes of dispersing this situation but I just turned my back on him and went into my closet.

He didn't know why I did that and stayed outside of it until I came out, he was my rival after all, but still my best friend.

But when I thought of if he had found out about my child in my hide out he would hate me.

My face screwed up and I went back inside my closet. Why on earth had I done this, why had I tried to make a super human, I am a ninja I should think farther ahead.

He still stayed outside, and he just sat beside the closet door, probably wondering why he had such a crybaby teammate.

I wouldn't blame him, even now as I am crying like a baby at eighteen.

"Oro" he said, I hated it when he called me by that and I made a small and pitiful noise and he paused at it "What's wrong" he was forcing himself to say this; I knew it because of his strained voice.

"Nothing" I said but my voice cracked as I thought of when he would find out about this child. My only friend, the only person I considered a friend would hate me, no one could love a monster like me.

I remember my father yelling at me and I sobbed a little, my god I hated that man, but he still held onto me with his mental torture from so long ago. I sniffed and my nose got all snotty and I didn't have any tissue.

I just kept sniffing, but soon enough I had to breathe through my mouth because it was completely stuffed up.

After a long time I had calmed down enough to feel tired, but I didn't fall asleep, I waited for him to leave so I could go out…. Well now I am crying again because I don't want to lose Jiraiya.

I sobbed a little louder now because I just realized just what would happen when he found out; my imagination went even farther into depth of the future. What his face would look like, how it would twist in disgust, and what exactly he would say to me.

My nose if is running again and I can breathe through it, but my throat is hurting from the lump in it, the kind I cannot swallow.

"Shinobi aren't supposed to show emotion" Jiraiya says and I sniffle a little and think about that.

No rule could stop this, no matter how much emotional training I had gone through could ever stop my emotions of guilt and regret stop. Because the person who made those rules didn't do what I had done three days ago, they aren't afraid of what will come.

"I k-know" I sobbed and finally just used my sleeve to wipe my snot; it was all clear and sticky with little bubbles in it.

"Ew" I murmured with a harsh breath, its one of those cries where you can't stop now.

I continued sobbing and he got fed up and left, or I had hoped when the footsteps led into my washroom instead of my door, or window.

They came back and I tried to stop sobbing, he opened my closet door and I flinched, I must look pretty ugly with my eyes all puffed up and red, and a very snotty nose.

He handed me a role of tissue and closed the closet door and continued to sit outside. My chest felt warm but I killed it, because I was going to set myself up to trust him, then when he found out about this he'll just….it'll kill me I guessed.

I blew my nose and took out more; now that all the runny snot is gone I had to breathe out of my mouth again.

Now I felt better but I didn't feel like going out because then I would just end up crying again.

He shifted out there and I jumped a little, what a ninja I was.

"Was it…something I did" he asked and waited for me to answer but I didn't "I'm sorry" he said and I opened the closet door "No, it wasn't" I said and didn't look up.

Once again my eyes watered but I didn't let the tears fall, instead I just sat on my knees and looked at my hands. He was just on my right, on the side of the closet and I looked at his shirt.

Then his hands, his feet, his white spiky hair collected in a messy pony tail.

My own I guessed was a mess, so I stood up and walked to my washroom. He watched me, I felt it "I'm…I'm going to take a shower" I said and he let out a sigh of relief I guessed.

The lump went back to my throat and I walked faster around the corner and closed my washroom door. I didn't look in my mirror; I didn't wan to see my puffy eyes that were red.

Turning on my shower I stepped into the hot stream of water and sobbed again, but held it in as I fell onto my knees. I shook; I would lose this all, all of it, my teammates, my friend Jiraiya. My teacher would be so disappointed, slowly I felt my insane self take over, he…I stood and washed myself, turning off the tap and drying myself off, he threw my clothing into the hamper and wrapped the towel around his…my waist.

He walked out and turned the light off, the cold air hit my body; I walked into my room and got my clothing, Jiraiya moved to the living room.

I got dressed and brushed my hair, placing it into a pony tail.

Slowly I began to come out, since I was calmer now I didn't need my other self to be out. I walked out and he looked at me, his eyes were hard "What happened" he asked and I looked at him "I don't know" I wanted to joke, but I had never before done that in front of him or anyone else.

"I…was just remembering the past" I said and he looked at me, he didn't know my past so I just sighed "My childhood…wasn't the best" I murmured and he got up "Then why was it when you saw me you started crying again" he said and I froze.

"I don't know" I lied and he didn't believe me "You've been acting weird lately Orochimaru" I winced as he used my full name.

"It's…It's worrying everyone" he said "Me too"

I looked at the ground and wished he wouldn't invade my privacy like that "I have just been having problems okay" I yelled at him and balled up my fist, my other self was pushing to come out.

My nails began to cut into my skin and bleed; I dug them deeper to focus on something as I fought to stay in control.

There was a drip, and I snapped out of it as I looked at my hands, I knew that I was doing this… but I was shocked when the blood hit the ground.

I went to the kitchen and he followed me, he knew this place unfortunately and reached for the first aid kit. He grabbed my hand and began to clean and wrap it "You can tell me" he said and I looked at him "I won't tell anyone" he said and I wanted to believe him, but what I had done…

Maybe this was what I deserved, maybe I deserved death.

I nodded and he looked at me in surprise "I…you know I like experimenting" I said and a lump went into my throat.

"The reason I started was because of my father" I rushed in saying this and when I looked at his face he frowned "Because I didn't want to be like him, I wanted to be something better, someone who could contribute to humanity instead of waste away my life drinking" I said and he looked shocked.

"And if I were to have children" when I said this I sat on the counter when he started wrapping my left hand slowly "I wouldn't want them to fear me, or hide in their closets because of they friends who thought me…them to be a girl" I said and he paused and looked at me "Did they…" I wanted to shake my head but I didn't and he glared "Son of a" he stopped him as he was squeezing my hand; it hurt a little because he was the brawn of our team.

He paused and looked at me with sincerity "I'm sorry" he said and continued wrapping my hand more gingerly. "Well yeah, so I did on frogs and I know you…caught me experimenting on a cat" I said and he winced, he had hoped I didn't know about that.

"I wanted to make…" I started to squeeze my hand but he stopped this action or I would make it bleed even more, I had pretty long nails.

"I wanted to make….a more efficient human" I said and he squeezed my hand hard, I looked up at his hard eye's, they boiled with anger and I accepted this "So I took a child from the orphanage four days ago and brought it to a hide out I had made" I continued despite the major pain "And I tweaked with his brain, but I don't remember" I said and something snapped in my hand and I gasped a little but allowed him to do this.

My hand hurt as he continued to squeeze, when I looked up again he squeezed harder. He was really angry and I was reminded of my father and I freaked out a bit, I screamed and fled back into my closet, rocking myself and mumbling about my father. Surprisingly my other self didn't want out anymore.

Jiraiya left, and didn't come back for a long time after that.

And I waited for anbu, or root to come and pick me up and kill me, save the poor boy I had experimented on and then torture me perhaps.

When I left my apartment for solo missions my insane self came out and I hid in my mind, I was a coward.

After missions I would go and feed the boy, care for him.

I brought him blankets, washed him and every so often I would talk to him, say I was sorry and how much I regretted what I had done to him. His hair was growing back, it had been more that a month since then and it was a fuzz, I brushed it sometimes for the entertainment of it.

One day, while I was sleeping in my closet (after Jiraiya I always slept in there) someone threw the door open and I looked up, I didn't fight as they dragged me out, hit me and kicked me.

When they switched the light on I saw Jiraiya, he was furious and I panicked because of my father and screamed, curling up into a ball.

He shoved me and put me onto the couch. I held my head in my hands and murmured to myself about my father again.

This time he stayed and watched me, he moved to sit on my couch "Orochimaru" he said and I listened to the venom that dripped out of it. "Are you…crazy" he asked in a hard voice and I laughed "Of course" I said and he stared at me "I have always been" I felt lighter at that.

As I watched him his anger dissipated "Then you didn't know better" he sighed in relief.

"Yes I did" I argued "I knew what I was going to do to that kid, and did it to that kid" I said and he stared at me "But you said you didn't remember this" I cringed inwardly "So" I said "What I did was wrong, you should report me" I said and waited for him to nod, he didn't.

"I can't" he said "Your too important for me to lose" I watched him as he met my eyes "If I lose you, you're the" he paused "The only one I care about" he continued. I looked at him with eyes of distrust "Why would you care about a crazy person" I said and he gave me a look "You have a split personality" he continued in a blank voice "You can't help it"

"When did you become a shrink" I said "Either way I should die" I said and got up "I have to go report myself in" I said in a broken voice now "So then they can save that kid, he's been unconscious for a month now" I continued and walked towards the door.

My arm was forcefully pulled back; I cringed a little because I got kicked there.

Once again I was on the couch; Jiraiya was staring at me with eyes…that held pain.

"You can't" he said and I stared "Your too important to me" he said and I raised an eyebrow at him "I did something unforgivable" I said "I want to die"

He punched me and my nose began to bleed, I let him and flopped down onto the couch, he glared and held me down "I won't let you" he growled this out. He grabbed my arms and forcibly held me up; I was like a rag doll in shock.

"Don't you" I started and he glared at me and I squeaked as my heart ceased for a second and he stopped "You have problems, but I don't want you to die" he placed his forehead against mine "I don't care what you've done" he said. "You're my precious person"

I stopped breathing and he hit me lightly on the shoulder and I gasped for breathe.

He pulled away and I looked at him. Suddenly I fled to my closet, I felt safe there and I sat thinking of what my teammate had said, he came and sat outside of it.

"Are you…disgusted by this" he said and I mumbled a little.

"What" he asked and I twitched "No" I said quietly, my voice was coarse as usual from my lack of talking.

He opened the closet door and I jumped and backed away, I was holding my bleeding nose, still crying.

I sniffed and the coopery red blood went down my throat, I could taste it as a little bit went into my mouth.

He gingerly took my hand and brought tissue to my hand, I twitched when he hit a soft spot.

He broke my nose I guessed. "Were going to have to see Tsunade" he said and my head snapped up and I flinched as my nose was poke by his hand.

"We got into another fight, okay" he said and I nodded slowly.

I didn't move as he got up and threw the bloody tissue away, I jumped and squished myself in the corner when he joined me in my closet.

My nose wasn't bleeding anymore, but I still held in gingerly as he grabbed my arm, which had thinned a little, only leaving muscle.

When he pulled me onto his lap I didn't protest, placing his forehead to my own. "I'm sorry" he said and kissed my eyebrow, I just nodded.

I placed my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me, I stared at the wall in curiosity, everything was calm now.

I held in a yawn and tensed, I was very tired now "We should go now" he said and stood up, holding my frame and I let go as he walked out of my closet, bending down enough so he could get out without hitting his head.

I followed and held my ribs timidly; I think they might have been broken in his anger before.

But our fights when we were gennin were far worse I think.

He grabbed me and held me tight with one arm as he brought up chakra to do a simple shunshin.

We appeared in the hospital, in Tsunade's room. There was one patient already in there, but she wasn't to be seen, he jumped when he saw us.

"Dan…?" I said and stepped away from Jiraiya "When did you…" I wondered and Tsunade walked in Dan" she called and saw us, she quickly blushed, then saw my state and frowned "I thought you guys were over fighting…and Orochimaru, I thought you usually won" she asked.

I just looked away and closed my eyes "Lucky shot" I sniffed and I looked at Jiraiya, he was grinning and I hit him in the ribs and Tsunade smacked my head "I can see that you've broken your ribs" she said and I nodded and let her cut my shirt off "Hey Dan" Jiraiya "Were you guys going to…do something kinky" he snicker at the last part and I raised an eyebrow at Tsunade, she glared at Jiraiya "Idiot, he was just here to get a check up" she said and crossed her arms.

"From a very hot Doctor" he said and she threw a few scalpels out of her jacket "You are sick" she said and I could see her face heating up. My eyes widened and I stared at her "You were….weren't you" I said, as a ninja I could see her eyes flicker nervously, certain parts of her face and body twitched.

"Ohhh" Jiraiya teased "Dan you horn dog" he snickered and Dan blushed to his ears, I blushed as well.

Jiraiya was punched through the wall and someone yelled for Tsunade, a very disapproving old nurse walked in.

"Tsunade, another wall, that's six times this month" the lady said and I winced, considering it was only in the middle of the month.

"It's Jiraiya's fault" the lady looked at her in curiosity "Should I restrict him from you" she said and watched this "Can you heal me now" I said and Jiraiya got up from the rubble "Oh old lady you would never guess what Tsunade was about to do in here" he grinned and Tsunade was giving him a begging look.

"Heal me please" I ground out, Tsunade blushed and the old lady frowned "See me later young lady" she said and closed the door; Tsunade gave me a grateful look.

Dan looked confused now.

She gently prodded and healed my ribs and other places "Orochimaru" she said and looked at my hand "Have you even had this healed" she asked and I hid it in my pocket, Jiraiya's eyes got hard "I did" I lied and she yanked my hand out of my pocket "No, you haven't, my god this must have been a month ago" she exasperated "I'm going to have to reset the bone" she mumbled on and Jiraiya stalked over to where we were, Dan was watching him in a greater look of confusion.

"Oro" he said "Last month…you didn't" he said vaguely and I nodded hesitantly after a while, he glared "I shouldn't have lost my temper…" he said and began to mumble while glaring at the ground. Tsunade froze "He did this" she yelled at me and a little spit landed on my face, I wiped it with my good hand "No" I said.

"Well then, how come I can deduce that someone had to have broken it by squeezing your hand hard enough for the bones to brake?" she yelled.

I looked blankly at my lap "I let him" said and she stopped mid sentence "What….Why!" she yelled at me "Because I thought it was well deserved "I said calmly.

"You wouldn't deserve this type of treatment" she said and I could tell her protectiveness was because of her old crush.

"But I did" she rounded on Jiraiya without hearing what I had said.

"Why, why would you do that" she said and glared "We used to get far worse injuries from out gennin fights" I protested "You were immature then" she said and I winced a little, I looked at Dan, he just raised his eyebrow.

I vaguely gestured at Tsunade and he blinked and then shook his head and hands as a 'no way'.

"Chicken" I said and he looked away, pretending he hadn't heard me. Tsunade was rounding on Jiraiya and I got up to smack her on the head, when I did she glared at me "Pay attention to what I am saying" is said.

"I allowed him to break my hand" I said and paused "Because I was" my chest tightened "denying my feelings" she blushed somehow hoping it was for her "About…him" I said and she looked at me shell shocked.

"We got in a fight and hadn't seen each other for a month now" I said and made sure nothing twitched and didn't look away from her eyes "When I saw him I picked a fight with him" she blinked "He made me realize that I did love him" I said and tightened my hand "So don't blame him, blame me" I said and looked at her, she blinked again.

Dan was just as shocked as she had been, but for other reasons.

"You still…love him" he said and she blinked and her head snapped to him "No Dan, I love you its just" she paused "I just…I don't know" her voice broke.

He nodded but didn't look angry "I understand" he got up "Orochimaru would be like a prize to you" he said and walked to the door" you shouldn't treat people like this Tsunade" he opened the door and left.

She held strong and quickly healed my ribs and broke and healed my hand, admittedly it was a little more painful than usual.

She left without a word, and when the door closed I could here heels clacking quickly as she ran away.

I sat on the bed and Jiraiya shifted, I held my now fixed hand and fidgeted.

He moved closer to me and I looked up at him, his hard eyes softened and he collected me up in his arms.

"You love me" he whispered into my ear, he grinned and we shun shined back to my apartment.

He placed me on the bed and covered me "We…are going on a date tomorrow" he said happily "I'll pick you up at nine, I'm going to go talk to sensei" he said as his voice began to bubble with happiness.

I blushed and covered my face with the sheets "Yeah" I said and closed my eyes.

The sheet was yanked away and chapped lips met my cheek before it was placed back over me.

I allowed myself a small smile and he shun shined away.

My heart raced and I curled up happily in my bed, in which I hadn't slept in for a month now.

When I fell asleep I stayed in the calming darkness, there were no nightmares about my child.

I had named him now, his name was Minato.

When I woke that morning I wasn't tired, I went to take a shower and scrubbed myself down, making sure I didn't leave any dirt on my pale body.

I relaxed as I got out and felt my inky hair, it felt nice and soft.

Drying myself off I wondered idly what I would wear on a date, as I hadn't ever been on one.

Looking at my clothing I stood with my towel around my waist as I stared at it all.

Only then I realized that I only had shinobi clothing, and funeral wear. Oh well, I wasn't a girl so it didn't matter, so I just picket out navy pants, and simple sleeveless anbu shirt, taking off the vest.

Brushing my hair and teeth, then eating breakfast went by as it normally did.

I looked at the time; unfortunately it was only seven o clock, in the morning.

So decided to take a nap in my closet to pass the time, it usually did its job.

Bright light hit my face and I blinked as I looked up at Jiraiya "You don't dress to impress huh" he said and pulled me out.

I blinked at his attire, a kimono that was littered with green little leaves "No" I said and he frowned, looking at the clothing in my closet "You don't have anything worth wearing on an occasion like this" he said and I just shook my head.

"What about those missions when it called for a Kimono" I shook my head "I threw those away because I didn't need them"

"Well then fine" he grumbled, he looked at my hair "You should keep it down at least" he said and took out my pony tail, it fell smoothly to my back.

He whistled "Soft huh" he grinned 'Did you do that just for me" he said and I blushed a little bit.

"Well anyways I sweet talked the old man into giving us a day off" I stretched a little and looked at him, he grinned and I smiled a little bit.

"You should smile more" he said then frowned "But only at me" he said and I just nodded "And I guess at your brat as well" I tried to glare but it didn't work.

He went to my door and opened it, allowing me to go out first, and then letting himself out, I locked it as I still had fan girls.

Shivering I noticed Jiraiya look at me knowingly "Scary huh" he said and I nodded.

We walked down the street and people just went about there days casually until he grabbed my hand, then they looked.

When he pulled me closer and squeezed I looked up, my gaze faltered as I heard people whispering "I knew it" and some others "What…dammit" some of them looked crest fallen at seeing us and I recognized a few faces and moved even closer as they had been pretty brutal during my Gennin, Chunin, and Jounin days.

Finally he just wrapped an arm around me and I relaxed as people started looking away. He turned and I blinked at a restaurant "This place" I said and blinked again "Isn't this…" I said and he grinned "Yep, Ichiriku ramen" he said and I looked up "I know you liked it, and come here frequently" he said.

"Oh" I said and nodded, and then my head snapped to him "You've been following me" I said and he grinned suspiciously.

We walked in and Mr. Ichiriku and his son smiled at us "Jiraiya, Orochimaru" he said and then he looked at Jiraiya's arm "Didn't expect that but ah well, I am happy for you both" he said.

I ordered shrimp and Jiraiya ordered miso pork, we sat in silence and then he started talking.

I listened and was fascinated at what he told me, he knew many people, and those people, as it appeared, had loose mouths. And the ones that didn't, he either sweet talked them, or twisted his words for them to trust him.

"You…should be spy" I said "Or an interrogation expert" I said and he paused and considered this "Well, I do have many people about in other places" he said and I was astounded "An informant even" I continued.

He blinked "Yeah…" I thought on this for a second "Hey wait, how come sensei hasn't already noticed this" I said as Ichiriku-san set down our orders.

"There you guys go" he said and I thanked him quickly.

Jiraiya gave me a look "did you forget who his favorite is" he said and I looked down "Sorry" I said.

He shook his head "Sensei has a soft spot for geniuses" he said "And I" he said and pointed at himself "Am a perverted idiot" I raised my eye brow "Recently" I said "You haven't"

Then I paused and frowned in confusion "I thought you liked girls" I said and he grinned "I'm bisexual" he said.

"Oh" I mumbled and slurped my noodles.

We finished and paid our check then left, people still stared but now I ignored their stares.

When we got back I opened the door, and then walked in.

What now, I wondered in my head, as I turned around he was looking at me intensely. "You have already said it" he said "But I am a man of actions, not words" he said and grabbed my shoulders.

I tensed as he bent down and pecked me on my lips gently, I held my breath and tried to push back a little, but I had to go on my toes to reach his height.

When he let me go I was in a bit of a dazed state, then he came in, closing the door and brought me with him, we sat on the couch and I blushed at the kiss.

He laughed and I looked up at him "Your so adorable when your flustered" he said and I stiffened my shoulders "Men cannot be adorable" I said defiantly, I was a man.

"Well…" he said and scratched his chin "Then how would you describe your cute blush, and how your hair frames your face perfectly, or how your lips are oh so very soft" my eyes widened and he moved closer "It's cute" he said and held my tilted my head higher and kissed me again.

This time it wasn't just peck as his other two had been, it got…deeper.

My heart raced and my mind went blank when he licked my lips, and pulled on my chin to open my mouth. His tongue was warm and I watched his eyes, they were closed and I looked at his eyelashes.

Finally I timidly moved my own tongue against his and he shivered and brought me closer with his other arm.

My face heated up and my heart now skipped a beat I think, I gripped his kimono as something to steady me, I was getting dizzy since this all so…new.

I gripped his kimono harder, I could feel his heartbeat.

It synced with my own quick beats.

Finally I broke the kiss and my chest heaved in the effort to get air back into my lungs. The kiss left me dizzy and I leaned against his frame.

"I guess I was right" he said "You are a virgin" I was a little to dizzy to comprehend that for a few seconds, then I jumped.

I don't think he could make sense of my words as they rushed out, a clumsy repetition of my shocked thoughts.

He laughed a little "Don't worry, I won't take it too fast" he said "But you tempt me" he pouted and I fidgeted a little.

He got up and I stared at his shoulders as he stretched, they were bigger than mine.

Why did girls like me, I wondered a little lazily, I was pretty effeminate, and Jiraiya…he looked more like a man than I did.

He looked at me and grinned, the bent down for a quick peck on cheek then mumbled into my ear "See you tomorrow" he said and I smiled despite myself.

He wrapped his arms around my frame and squeezed, I lifted my arms and wrapped them around his chest, he chuckled "Makes me think you don't want me to go" he said and I flinched.

"Well" he said "I want to keep you a virgin" he said and it didn't comprehend in my head for a little while, then my face heated up, a lot.

It must clash horribly with my pale skin.

He released me and pecked me on my forehead "Your innocence means a lot to me" he said and was off.

The door closing was what woke me from my shock and I felt my lips twitch upwards.

I sat there for an hour until I decided to do something.

Then I got up and collected some stuff to bring to Minato, he must be lonely in my hide out, I thought grimly.

Here I was enjoying myself where as he was sitting in a cold and possibly damp place.

I shun shined there and appeared in the hide out.

"Hi" I said gently to the still form of my child, he was starting to become pale and I started to feed him.

Sitting him up, I bit off pieces of dried meat and fed it to him after I had chewed it up enough. Rubbing his throat so it would go down I started to talk to him.

"Your hairs getting longer, not to what it was before though" I said gently "But I still love its color" I chewed a piece and fed it to him, then rubbed his throat.

His eye twitched and I stared at it and smiled "I can't wait until you wake up" I said and chewed another piece.

"I don't know your name" I continued "But until I do it'll be Minato" I said and gave him the piece of meat and started to get small tube I used to give him water with out letting go to his lungs.

After giving him some water I smiled at him, laying him back down on the couch I had brought in here. Moving to a box I took out a brush.

It had soft bristle, I placed him on my lap and began to brush his hair, I continued to talk "I decided that you will be my child" I said and his eyebrow twitched "Because I already consider you my child" I said happily "But if you don't want me to be your father I will take you back to the orphanage" I said "Then you can report me" I said calmly "Even though Jiraiya wanted me to live he has to accept what I have done to you"

I looked down to open blue eyes and my own yellow eyes stared down in surprise "But papa" he said and I was shocked "You have given me a gift" he continued and tried to sit up.

'See' someone invaded my mind and I jumped. 'See papa this is what you gave me' I relaxed and looked into his forgiving eyes.

He invaded my thoughts and I was shocked. 'Papa' he said confusedly and I shook my head "Sorry, I just…was shocked at your sudden awakening" I said and smiled at him.

'You don't have to speak papa' he said and I nodded and thought back to him 'yes, but what is your name' I thought and he shook his head.

'I can't remember' I was shocked 'The first thing I heard was your voice, it was so sad' he was frightened by this 'Why were you crying' he asked curiously.

'Because' I thought and I found out that I couldn't lie here, he got my feelings and nodded.

'I see' he said and closed his eyes; I got some of his feelings back.

They were all so innocent, and to be honest, blatantly trusting.

'You shouldn't put so much trust into me' I thought to him and he shook his head.

'I couldn't talk in your head when I was asleep' he said 'but I was always in your mind while you were here' he said.

'I felt what you felt, I knew you were pained by what you had done' he continued on and I tensed 'I also know it wasn't completely your decision' he said and I was partially shocked.

'I know of what you 'he said gently' did and of what your other self did' he said and I stopped breathing for a little bit.

'But I still love you papa' he said and a tear slipped down my cheek as I felt the unrefined feeling.

'Ah' I thought to him and wiped my cheek 'I love you too' more tears went down my cheeks as I tried to scrub them away.

He grabbed my hands and placed them around his little frame, and I tightened my hold on him. He wrapped his arms softly around me and he sighed.

'My papa' he thought and my heart warmed at this.

I was on one of my anbu missions, it was assassination as it usually was, I sliced through the man's thick neck and blood spurted onto my face, I licked my lips a little and tasted the coopery flavor.

It always tasted odd to me, so salty I couldn't grasp it completely.

His associates shivered and ran in fear as I licked the blade to taste it again, and I chased after them.

My tongue was sickly long, and was tipped sharply; I looked much like a snake.

I remembered, I sliced a man clean in half emotionlessly, that when I was a kid my father always told me I had large eyes, so much like a baby snake.

They had looked so much like my dead mothers, who he had dated because of her exotic look, and personality. He showed me pictures; she had been a model, him a ninja. He had only made it to chunin mark; he married her because I was on my way.

After I had been born she only lived for a few months.

She came from such a far away place, having me weaken her so much that her normally fine immune system gave out and allowed all the foreign diseases to get to her.

After that he went on a mission, and was reckless. He lost his arm and leg.

When he was sober he told me of his good old days, about how he had it all. But as I sliced though another man I became angry.

Why had I had to look so much like her, he got so angry at me because he continued to think I was her.

'Why did you leave me' he used to say 'why' at that point he began crying.

The reason I had stayed with my father was because I pitied him, he had lost everything.

Back then I had thought that if I stayed he might get better, begin to live for me perhaps.

Angrily I stabbed a man in his abdomen and ripped my sword upwards. By now I was covered in blood as I glared at nothing.

When I was eleven he finally stopped drinking for a little while, I thought it was because of me and I was on a high for a few weeks.

But then after training I came home to a smashed up house, he was at the kitchen table drowning himself in alcohol.

I sliced a man's legs off then stabbed my sword into his head.

He took one look at me then grinned; he staggered towards me then pushed me onto the floor, falling himself.

'Ayuna' he slurred and began to rip my clothing off, I screamed and he placed his mouth onto my own.

I kicked one guy; I heard several bones crack and his eyes rolled to the back of his head and collapsed like a ragdoll to the ground.

Then my father had done what many of the other men had done to me; he raped me under the drunken thought I was a girl.

I stabbed one guy in his crotch, and pulled up; he was cut cleanly in two. His screams of horror and pain echoed in the ware house we were in.

When he left on the floor broken, he fell beside me and I was crying. That day something inside me completely broke; my mind was shattered. I cleaned myself up, as well as my father while I was inside my head.

A man I had missed was running towards the window, he looked ready to jump out of it. I shun shined there and sliced off his arm, then decapitated him.

I left that day, walking around town blankly; I woke up in a forest, allowing my new personality to sink back into myself.

The last man screamed, someone outside was pounding on the door, I shun shined back down to him and sliced him in two, the quickly stabbed my sword into his chest, stopping his franticly beating heart. I melted into the ground and stood there as the door was busted open. A woman screamed, and people came running in, I felt the vibrations through the ground.

In that forest there were many sakura trees, I watched a pink haired lady walked out of it and smiled at me. I watched her passively and nodded my head.

The people above me screamed even more, someone retched a little ways away from the others.

I saw a boy, his hair was white and I looked at the oddity, and then remembered it was the idiot from my class. He was looking calmly at the trees, his face was very serene.

Someone above me was crying, calling out to the dead man above me.

I walked away from him; I didn't want to disturb him because to me, he looked very beautiful. But as I turned he looked away from the tree and stared at me, then it clicked. He grinned and I stared, slowly I felt myself smile at him.

A man was slamming his fist on ground, more and more thunderous foot steps came into the ware house.

It wasn't a smirk or a fake smile, I smiled as softly and it came from my heart. He froze when this happened and I turned and walked away.

My father had died from alcohol poisoning; no one knew what had happened with him and me. I was the only person to attend the funeral because he had driven his family away. Those friends of his didn't care and moved on.

I moved into an apartment the hokage had given me, sending his condolences, even though he didn't care for, or know my father. Not anymore.

The people had left now; the ware house above me was burning. Slowly I began to move away under ground.

I left the country of tea, after washing up and burning my clothing I bought new clothing at a local tailor in the fire country.

I traveled as fast as I could, this mission would pay a lot, then I could buy a lot of new things for Minato. He had mentioned he wanted some toys to play with, so I would buy him a few card board kunai and shuriken.

Then maybe we could play ninja. I smiled at the thought, the killing I had done was already in the process of being forgotten.

"Minato" I called into the hide out, he jumped out of the washroom I had created for him "I got you toys" I said and he came running "Really" he said and my heart swelled at his large blue glittery eyes.

I gave him a box, he opened it and gasped "Papa" he asked "Are these" he frowned when he picked on up and his face lit up and he threw it at the dirt wall.

He giggled childishly and went to go pick it up; I smiled at him as he threw it around.

I took out more and more toys, a red ball, some action figures, and little flying planes.

I had bought these as a brown haired woman, because I was afraid people would start asking and take away my Minato.

I took out more things, including some sweets for after dinner. Later I might go out and buy him sweet ice as well.

I spoiled this child, he already had a chest full of many toys, his bed was made of very soft feathers, and he had all of life's necessities.

It may have been because he was a very sweet child that could have made the coldest of hearts melt, or because he was my child.

He began playing with many other toys as I picked around his things, cleaning up and putting many toys back into his toy chest, fixing his bed and such.

I made a smokeless fire over in a little dig out fire place; I was beginning to make this hide out larger.

I cooked the fish I had bought, and began to wrap the potatoes in tin foil, placing them close, but not in the fire. I turned them occasionally.

Minato had decided to come and sit near me and I wrapped an arm around him, he leaned into me and played with my hair.

I only let it down around him and Jiraiya.

I flipped the fish and he thought to me, they had no significance but he told me how his week had gone through his feelings, I held him close and apologized when I felt loneliness come from him.

"Papa" he said to me "Do I have any siblings" he asked and I shook my head sadly.

"I want a sister" he said and I paused as my other self was beginning to take interest. A lump fell into my stomach as I began to loose my vision, my other self was clawing to get out of me, and it scared me how it was winning.

It all went black after that.

When I woke I was staring at my son, who was softly stroking my cheek "Hi papa, other papa took over" he said happily and I froze when is smelt blood.

I looked at my hands, and then at Minato, he had specks of it on him and looked up to the hospital bed.

A lump in my throat formed as I shakily stood up and looked at the still form, it was breathing, and the perfect stitches on her head stood out.

I screamed and Minato covered my eyes "Thank you papa" he whispered and I sobbed "Don't worry papa" he whispered into my ear "She was an orphan as well, I made sure" my stomach was in knots as I sobbed.

I fell back to the ground, my son was watching me and he smiled gently "Don't cry papa" he said and I got up.

He felt through my thoughts and he smiled 'I'll keep her company, you need to think' he said to me in my head and I washed shun shined into my apartment and retched on my floor.

I went to my closet and curled up, crying yet again.

When I fell asleep I heard Minato talking to another, the girl I had taken, they were sharing there thoughts with me.

'Yes that is papa, and you must love him because he is perfect' I shivered at how Minato had sounded, the girl replied 'I must?' she asked curiously, her voice full of innocence.

'Yes Yoshino imouto, you must' Minato said and her unsure feelings hardened 'then I shall' her personality was hard and determined.

I closed my mind off of the love that invaded it.

'Papa's sleeping now' I said to them and fell asleep.

"Oro" someone said and he woke groggily for the first time in years. "Jiraiya" he mumbled out and he got up "Are you sick" Jiraiya asked in concern.

He placed his forehead against my own and I leaned into his heat.

"Your cold" he said "I cleaned up your mess" he said and looked at me, his eyes full of concern.

"I haven't seen you since you left four weeks ago" he said and pulled me out of the closet and into his chest "Why haven't you come to see me" he asked and pulled me back to see my eyes.

I let the first tear fall down my face then buried it into my hands "Jiraiya" I wailed out and he held me tightly, making soothing noises.

My children tried to come into my head, but I told them it was adult time, although Minato worried he snickered and began telling Yoshino some stuff about being an adult, I closed off my mind as I didn't want to here the rest.

"He got out" I said "And I couldn't stop him" I sobbed out and Jiraiya yanked me back and I sobbed "How" he yelled in surprise, he shook me "How did he get out" I sobbed and shook even more.

"Minato" I said "He wanted a sister" I said shakily, my voice was becoming a little bit steadier "Then my other self caught interest" I said "Minato was in my head at the time" I continued and the lump in my stomach became heavier.

"He…He" I said and Minato suddenly came into my head 'I'm sorry papa I didn't know' he cried, Yoshino was silent but she fed me knowing feelings.

"I know" I said and Minato was crying, because he realized what he had done.

I could distantly hear Yoshino scolding him.

They cut off from my mind. Jiraiya's face was the first thing my eyes focused on. "What" he asked and I looked at him "They were speaking to me" I said "He told me he was sorry" I continued more calmly "He didn't know better" the tears still slid down my face despite my voice.

Jiraiya was angry, his hands were tightly on my shoulders, and they were beginning to bruise them.

Even though I was afraid I still allowed him to do this, because he was much like Minato, they didn't think of what they were doing. Suddenly a blinding voice came in, it was Yoshino, Minato was soothing me, and I could distantly hear her getting angry at someone.

Jiraiya jumped back, he looked around and he was tense. I placed my hand on his chest and told Yoshino to calm; Minato got what I was saying and began telling her that papa would handle this himself.

They cut themselves off from me and Jiraiya's eyes were impossibly wide, his heart was beating far to fast to be healthy.

"Jiraiya" I called to him he jumped and his blurred eyes focused on me "That was" he said frightened "Yes, that was her" I said and looked down "My new child" I said and let my hand fall off of his chest.

He grabbed my hand gingerly and led me to couch and sat down, pulling me onto his lap facing him "I'm sorry, I hadn't noticed" he said and I nodded.

Even now I was still shaking. He held me gently, and kissed me just as gently.

I closed my eyes and fell onto his chest, I was still exhausted. I could here his panicked shouts, my mind was fogged up and Minato came in again, he sent me many soothing waves, I fell asleep again, but this time it was in comfort.

When I awoke I wasn't in my usual place, I was in a dark place that had no light, nothing came in and I was afraid.

Gently sounds quietly whispered into the area, and I huddled myself into the corner. Small faded and blurry images came in, and I could feel muddled up touches and pains.

Then I was falling.

Deeper and deeper I fell into my mind, there was nothing I could hear or see. I had just faded into the black, before I could see my hand.

Now I saw nothing, I had become the black and I felt nothing, no fear as a normal person might.

I stayed there for months, then years.

After the three year point I stopped counting, and everything just seemed to stop.

My mind was becoming nothing; my head was slowly but surely disappearing. Then it all came back into motion, I was being pulled up faster than I had fallen, everything lightened and images came in, all at first were blurry and difficult to decipher. Then they came into more sense, noises were added, feelings and thoughts.

As I watched I was horrified, my Minato had grown up with out me; his father was now my alter ego, who now had a solid personality. I didn't like the stuff he did and sobbed into the air.

As I kept flying the images became more sinister, the bodies he had mutated. The people I knew. In the start it was a simple act of revenge of those who had raped me, the scum as he had named them as he ripped of their genitals and began experimenting on them.

Then he started taking babies, a war had broken out and many children were left orphans. Tsunade lost Dan; she then lost her precious little brother.

I had been there, I sobbed as I watched on.

Right now my little Minato was a Jounin, he had a team of precious little gennin

He was even in love, as was Yoshino. My little girl I had never gotten to know was going to get married.

She resented my alter ego, Minato had yelled at him as well. There love reached me through the many memories and the scorn they had received from him.

And to my surprise I was in the position of possibly becoming the fourth hokage, as was Minato.

I cheered at the man he had become, as I was rising I began to feel more solid and fresh feelings, then I was awake yet again.

I staggered and fell to the ground. I was working hard to make my alter ego go to where I had been, but it had to be only temporary as he was so strong now.

I looked up as my eyes flooded with tears, Jiraiya had grown so much as well, and he was very handsome.

I sniffed and covered my face as he glared down at me in hate, I understood as my other was cruel.

My children came in quickly and their surprise and concern rushed to me, they were on there way to where I was.

Then there love hit me hard and I sobbed, all the feelings I had lost were reeling in now.

They burst through the brush, and slammed into my frame. 'PAPA' they screamed into my head, both were grown adults now and I cried and held them, they too shook.

Jiraiya watched us then he rushed "Oro" he yelled and I sobbed, they released me to let him hold me, they understood the love we felt, and let me have my privacy of thought.

"Oro" he sobbed, I felt myself fall into his frame as my face twisted into despair as my other self was slowly coming up.

"I don't have much time" I swallowed the lump in my throat, his shaking stopped and he pulled away and the tears fell down his face onto my cheeks.

"You must listen to me, all of you" I said "Jiraiya you must tell the hokage to do a mental test, should I fail then I won't be hokage" I said and looked at Minato "You have made your papa very proud" I said and he sniffed. I looked at Yoshino "My beautiful daughter" I said and she tried to remain strong, sending me love.

"I am proud of my Minato and Yoshino" I said and they broke down 'we love you papa' Yoshino fell to her knees; Minato wrapped his arm around his little sister's frame. They knew of what I was thinking, and knew that I might not ever resurface again.

"Jiriaya" I said "If he doesn't leave when he hasn't become hokage" I said and he was staring hard at me "Then tell the third you have suspecting him of testing on human targets" he nodded knowingly "They labs are under the forest of death, as well as under the hospital" I said and his eyes widened "And the orphanage" I continued and his hands tightened around my shoulders.

The pain allowed me to ground myself and push my other self back down farther yet again.

"If he escapes, kill him" I said and his eyes widened "No" he yelled "I know your in there now" he yelled and his tears fell determinedly.

My tears fell "I might not be able to come back up again" I choked out and his face twisted as he looked away.

My heart was tightening as I saw him crying, knowing what he must do.

"I'm so sorry" I said and he held me once again into his chest "It's not your fault" he said and I fluidly slipped my pale arms around his neck, his hair was spikier and longer, as was mine.

Gently I kissed him, he closed his eyes but I didn't, I wanted to see him before I disappeared again.

His lips were chapped; mine had become chapped as well. He breathed through his nose and I followed. He pulled me closer and we broke apart, his form shook as he silently sobbed.

"I don't want you to be taken away from me again" he whispered brokenly into my ear and I pushed him away and smiled at them all as I staggered back "I don't' want to be taken away" I said and then I felt my other self come rushing back up, the memories I had hidden from him, destroyed them by forgetting them.

Then I was back in darkness, falling farther and farther than before. I curled up and cried for a very long time.

'I hate you' I whispered into my mind 'I hate you'

Nothing was my answer.


End file.
